In the background

It’s been 20 years...19 to be precise.

There’s this thing that has been part of my life for as long as I can remember. Not in a dramatic way, not as something I actively hold onto but as something that quietly stayed.

I don’t really choose it. It just happens.

It’s a word I say out loud without even noticing every day at some point. And once I say it, there’s always a feeling that follows...familiar, calm, almost comforting.

It’s strange because so much has changed over the years. Life has moved through different phases, different versions of me. Things have ended, things have begun and time has done what it always does.

And yet this one thing never fully disappeared.

I never questioned it and it was so normal that I never asked why. It was just there...like background music I had learned to live with.

Sometimes I do wonder if there is something unfinished in it. Or if I was just trying to attach meaning to something my mind has simply kept alive for years.

But the truth is...I don’t think it’s about unfinished business.

I think it’s simply about time.

About how certain things become part of us during the years when we’re still becoming who we are. About how the mind holds onto things that were present during those formative stages, even when life moves on completely.

It’s not something I’m chasing. I’m not waiting for it and I’m not building my life around it. My life exists fully outside of it.

And yet...I also can’t deny that it’s there.

Not as a desire. Not as a plan. Just as a presence.

Sometimes I think we overcomplicate these kinds of things. We try to turn them into signs (so unlike me to say this)...into meanings...into stories that lead somewhere. But maybe some things don’t lead anywhere at all.

Maybe they just stay.

A quiet part of the background. A memory that became a habit. A feeling that never fully dissolved.

And perhaps that’s all it needs to be.

Not everything that stays in us is meant to return.

Some things are just meant to remind us of who we were when they began.

Some things settle...others just learn to sit quietly beside us.

And maybe that’s enough.

From Jahida :

Soft thoughts, old memories and everyday magic.

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